If...

Bleak. The clouds rolled slowly, heavy and dark, as if in deep thoughts. It was raining, hard drops hitting at an angle, shattering the silence. The road was broken, puddles forming at places with drops forming patterns on it. Trees were almost bare, their branches sticking out as if crying for help. One of the trees was completely bare, splitting into two branches that looked oddly like a stump. The night was gloomy and overbearing. The distant rumbling of the clouds added to the ominous feeling. The sudden flashes of lightening showed that it was deserted. Almost. Save for the lone figure that walked on the broken road, head bent, the profile of a young woman barely discernable beneath the several shapeless drabs that she was wearing. All black, as if in deep mourning.

Another flash of lightening revealed her face, a pretty one. Fair complexion that contrasted with her deep dark eyes. Well defined eyebrows, perfectly shaped. There was no trace of make-up on her face though in the depths of the dark night, it almost looked as if her face was radiating light. Her hair was hidden in her cape, though one could make out that they were a mix of black and chestnut brown, set in a natural curling style. She looked to be a practical lady of 30, though at the moment her eyes looked troubled and her face was drawn up in concentration, giving a hint as to the turmoil going in her head.

The rain pelted down harder, making her bow her head furthermore. It was a battle against the very spirit and element of nature. It was a battle against the world. It was a battle against herself. She felt choked by her own thoughts. They brought tears to her eyes, but she tried to fight them back. A few of them rolled down her cheek and were lost in the rain. She did not care. All that was of concern to her were two things: her thoughts and the one about whom her thoughts were.

The road went on and on, seemingly endless. So did the tumult of her thoughts. “I have finally done it”, she thought, both happy and scared. “I should never have left home”, she countered. “Home is where the heart is. My heart I s not my own. I have given it”. “He is not yours”. She kept countering and counter-countering herself.

She thought back, ten years ago. They were good friends. Very good. Everyone thought they were more than friends. He, of course, had no such intentions. She, on the other hand, adored him. Loved him. Could almost feel her breathing stop if for a moment she thought she had angered him. He knew it but he never let it affect their friendship. For as much as he was concerned, she knew his thoughts and understood them. It did not really bother him as to what the rest of them were saying. College would soon be over in a less than a year, they would part their ways. They would remain in touch but distance, he mused, numbs feelings.

Over years, they had come to know each other very well. He had been one of those few people (or perhaps the only one, she added as an afterthought) who had understood her. Her thoughts had an outlet. It was almost like he was a habit. She knew she would eventually land into trouble because of her attachment with him but at the same time could not help it.  Life had continued after college, difficult as it always is. They had been in touch but it had never been the same for her. She got married five years later.

She looked up. The road was endless. She was tired. Yet she knew she could not stop. She had done something that she had been dying to do for years. Every morning she would get up, regretting the face that was sleeping next to her. She despised him. Hated him. Pitied him. But never loved him. He could not give her what she wanted. He had no warmth, no understanding. He was not patient. Every morning she would get up and find a new flaw in him. She longed to escape. She longed to run away. She recalled with betterment the time when she was almost browbeaten into a marriage agreement by her family.

Tonight, she had done it. She had broken free. She could not take it any longer. All she now cared for was going back to him. “Going to him, not back to him”, she corrected herself mentally. “You were never his, never will be. You will regret it all”. “Like everything else. Another regret”. The rain hit on her face. She was cold, lonely, and was beginning to feel scared. She longed for his comforting presence. She had not seen him in the past five years. The last she had seen him was her own marriage. She could not speak to him for more than ten minutes. “Well talking to him was always like this. Even if you talk for years, it seems like ten minutes”. He had come bearing a gift for her. It was a beautiful crystal show piece. Her husband had broken it, as he had stumbled, returning from work one evening. She had cried all night, silently, lest he would hear her.

She felt something pass overhead. She looked up, afraid. For a moment she thought her husband’s eyes were peering down on her, mocking. She shuddered and looked down again. She tried to recall his face, but it seemed distant. She did not even know how he looked now. The only interaction they had had was when he called her up on her anniversary to wish her. They spoke briefly. It was torture. “A sweet one, though”, she added. She lifted her head and looked around. She was very tired now. She must find a place to rest. She looked around but the same bleak landscape stretched on. It was as if she was walking in a circle, as her husband peered at her from somewhere, grinning mockingly. 

Just then there was a hiss and a few snakes crept out of the nearby tree. She didn’t know where to run. She stood frozen, as the snakes circled around her. They hissed and moved in closer to her. They started to twist and twirl around her. She opened her mouth to scream but could not. The snakes started to bite her…

--- * ---

She woke up with a start, her heart beating wildly. She looked around in alarm and saw the silhouette of someone next to her. For a moment she was convinced that she had done it. That she was with him. Then she realized that it was all a dream. She did not have the courage. She could not. She was scared. Just then her husband murmured in his sleep and put his hand around her. She sighed, deeply. If only it had been…if…

- Parekh, Pravesh

February 28, 2013, 05:35 AM

Just Another Day

She woke up. Almost natural. No bad dreams to jolt her awake. No alarm clock screaming to snatch her away from her sweet slumber. And the first thing she noticed was the cold. Deep down, buried under her warm quilt and topped with a warm blanket, she immediately felt the cold other half of the bed. There was nobody there. "Fifteen years of marriage doesn't prepare you for divorce", she thought bitterly as she struggled to get out of the bed and get ready for work. It was slightly early compared to her usual time but she knew she couldn't go to sleep again. Wouldn't be able to.

She was a lecturer at a University. Every day she drove to work and back. Frankly, she did not need the job. She was merely doing it to find something to while away the time. To say that she was disinterested or not a good lecturer, would perhaps have been judging her too unfairly. She was working at the University even before the marriage and had continued to work even after getting married. And still did. Divorced recently, she had been married to her college love for almost fifteen years when one fine day he walked in and told her that he was walking out of her life. She had been shell shocked. Stunned. Had gone blank. Words cannot, for sure, describe her state then. They had been having a good life, never really quarrelled and there was no shortage of money either. Somehow she had managed to ask him if he was joking. He had been packing his bag then. He had looked straight into her eyes, a partially folded shirt in his hand and had said that he had nothing to say to her. He had found someone else. "Someone not so boring as you are", he had said bluntly. That night he slept on the couch in the living room. She, of course, couldn't find sleep. She lay awake all night, feeling lifeless. He was gone the next morning. He didn't even say goodbye. She didn't even hear him leave. She later found out that he had left behind all the gifts that she had given him on his birthday and on their anniversaries...from their college day onward.

She opened her wardrobe and decided to go all black today. She lay the clothes out on the bed and stepped into the bathroom, having put some music on before standing under the running hot water and letting it wash her anew. Ever since her divorce, she mostly liked to listen to sad music. She would put on a compilation of soundtracks from various movies. One of her favourites was the opening music from the movie Godfather, composed by Nino Rota. She knew it wasn't the kind of thing "a girl was expected to listen to". "People would think I need psychiatric help", she would say to herself, raising her left eyebrow at the words. But then she never cared for such stereotypical sexist comments. "And not that people know that I listen to such stuff", she would sometimes add in an undertone.

She stepped out of the shower almost twenty minutes later. The blues were with her, like almost every morning. Personally she liked the slight frown that was almost omnipresent on her forehead, though it had been a matter of concern to the love of her life. The frown would usually disappear the moment she stepped into the classroom. Perhaps one of the reasons why I have stuck through. The music helps in getting the blues. It was like one of the very few things that set her head straight. Got her thinking. Inspired her in a way.  "One fine day I shall drink deep of melancholy. So much that I will have inspiration enough to write more than a few blog entries...maybe a book", she thought. Just then the music changed to the cult favourite Lux Aeterna from Requiem for a Dream by Clint Mansell. Oh how she loved the music.

She got dressed standing in front of the mirror and cringed at her reflection. "Looking fat", she told herself but then checked herself. "You are not looking fat. You are just the way you are. Shut up and go get something in the name of breakfast", she told herself. One of the problems of working with today's youth. You tend to pick up things that you don't want to. Another typical "girl" stereotype. That women of all age like to stand in front of the mirror and say "I look fat". Where had she picked this one up from? Then she remembered. Her dear old husband had told her this. And of course constantly got repeated by a "bunch of kids" in her class. Sometimes she didn't even know if she loved them or hated them.

She reached the department and signed into the attendance register. It was a typical cold winter morning. Everyone subdued and in their slight state of blues. But theirs would pass easily as they slipped into the routine of life. "I induce them so that I don't get back to the routine of life everyday", she thought. It was a lazy day. She only had two classes to take today and that too later in the day. She sat in her cabin for some time, taking care of some official business but soon found the walls closing in on her. She got up, grabbed her coat and went out to take a walk. "That's the best part of being in a University. You can still take a good walk even when at work", she said, faking a smile. However in her heart she knew she was doing it to let the blues stay on for longer. A winter morning/evening stroll through the fog. Can give you a wonderful depression dose if you are looking for one.

She had always been an observer. That is what she liked doing. She walked around, her head bent but eyes actively scanning. Looking. Observing. Thinking. A lot of students were coming to the University, their face rosy from the winter, hands deep into the warmth of their coat pockets. "Winter is the perfect time to show off one's dressing style," she thought. She particularly liked the way some of the girls dressed up. Jeans neatly tucked into a pair of boots. Or a jacket with its collar turned up to save from the wind. A scarf round the neck. Some of the girls, on the other hand, had a terrible dressing sense. Bright cherry coloured caps on their head. Shining clothes. "Ugh! Makes them look like a Christmas tree of sorts", she thought. But then she rarely liked colours. Black was the perhaps the only colour which appealed to her. "And boots!", she added with disgust. "If they are not black, you may as well throw them away". On the other hand the "guys" in the campus had absolutely no dressing sense at all. Dirty jeans, a T shirt and a jacket with its chain open. "Seriously? Is that it? That's your idea of dressing up, mister?" she asked them inside her head. And what horrible shoes some of them had. Some never wore shoes.

She always formed impression of people in her first glance. The clothes they wore. The shoes they had on. Their way of walking, talking etc. Every little detail that she could pick up. Sometimes she sat in a corner of the canteen and observed people. Especially the couples. The way they acted revealed so much about them. The way the girl would raise her eyebrows to something the guy would say or the way her lips quivered. An absent look, a moment's hesitation. She looked at all of them. A careless flick of the girl's hand which would gently tuck the hanging strands of hair behind the ears again. Some of them were very conscious. Others were very relaxed. It reflects their upbringing too, she thought. Like she could immediately make out the soft spoken, shy ones. "Of course I assume", she answered to herself. "I assume a lot and most of the times they are reasonably accurate", she convinced herself. The guys were pretty much easier to work out. You could easily spot the conscious ones. They were usually the bunch that tried to be well spoken, well dressed and tried to think of life in terms of going higher. They were usually the kind that talked of greater things than the newest phone in the market or the computer game they spent the night playing. Most importantly, they were usually the ones who treated girls with enough respect. Others were usually a little too physical. A little too casual. A little too...whatever. "Of course just being conscious doesn't make a guy that", she added. There were other important factors to be considered. The hairstyle, for example. The fact that their shoes were polished or not. "If you can't polish your own boots, if you can't make your shoe shine, you can't make your life shine", she maintained emphatically.

Presently she walked across a girl walking alone. Her head was bent down, lost in her own little world. She immediately had her thoughts about her. Shy. Soft spoken. Nose says that she can make a point if she has to. Determined for sure but "fragile". Eyes clear. Sleeps well. Probably has a boyfriend or someone very close to her. Gets agitated when she has trouble with him or in other trying situations. Another girl walked past. Smart. Face shows a brave front but she can do with a good warm hug. Sure needs one. "Gosh! I sometimes overdo myself", she thought, grinning inside, frowning outside. A couple walked past. He was walking close to her. "A little too close, in my opinion". She immediately hated him. He had a weird combination of tousled up spiked hair and was wearing a sleeveless jacket. True, he had a certain tranquillity on his face. "Perhaps the reason why she likes him?". But one look at her face and she was convinced she could do with someone better. "Maybe the company he keeps is not good but he is a good chap". She is one of the quiet types. Doesn't talk to everyone. Pours out her heart to him". She was wearing a ring. An opal or a topaz. It brought a smile to her lips.

Eventually she walked back to the department and sat down in her cabin - a little tired from the walk but in a way comforted by the fog and the loneliness. That evening as she was driving back she thought about herself. "I am a stalker, a freak and an idiot", she told herself. "This is not how people are supposed to be. This is certainly not how a girl is supposed to be. Well, I am not a girl but certainly this is not how 'normal' women are. I am a pathetic recluse", she cursed herself. She went back to her room and fixed herself a couple of sandwiches. "Stereotyping again, am I not?" she asked herself. Frankly, she had no answer. That night she sat chatting with people on GTalk and on Facebook. She read between the lines and tried to virtually interpret what was going on in other person's mind. "I suck at life..." she added to her constant self-cursing. She recalled the entire day that had gone by. Just another day lived. Another pathetic entry in her sad life. She would write an entry in her blog later that night and then stalk people on Facebook to read and comment on her blog. Then she would sleep late and wake up, bleary eyed. "Maybe I want that...it goes with the frown", she thought. She put on some music with a grim smile on her face. Music from Requiem for a Dream by Clint Mansell again. Like music for my own requiem. Requiem for a Lost Soul...

- Parekh, Pravesh

January 03, 2013; 03:25 AM

Spilled Tea

It was a mellow morning. The sun was bright but not too bright to hurt the eyes. It was cool and the gentle breeze fanned at one and all. The sunlight glinted off freshly washed paved stone road. It was a narrow road with a few shops between houses. Shantaram lived above a shop that sold milk and milk products. It was a small house with small windows which, if one would peer in, showed a simple household. There were small rods fitted in the window. They had once been painted green but now the paint had peeled off and it was completely black. They opened into one of the two rooms in the house. One of the rooms was used as the bedroom and the other, which had the windows, as a sitting room for guests and visitors who would frequent Shantaram's place like children at the annual fair. The walls were whitewashed but showed stains of hair oil (from the heads of the people who sat down and brushed their head against the wall) and sprays of betel leaf juice (from Shantaram's habit of speaking while chewing betel leaf). There were a few portraits of Gods handed down from ages and a red coloured silken wall hanging (from his marriage time) that had started to blacken. There was a small kitchen in which Shantaram's wife, a girl of 15, cooked for him. It was dark and the walls had blackened from soot. Cups and utensils lined the small wooden shelf and the small cooking area was usually cluttered.

Shantaram was approaching 22, a small round man. He was fat with a small round face and small round eyes. His wife was a pretty girl from one of the neighbouring villages, who had been married at the age of 10. She had lovely dark eyes that looked upon in wonder at anything interesting (apart from Shantaram), the result being that she got distracted by anything and everything, as is understandable for a girl of her age. Consequently, she would forget to add something or the other in the food, thereby angering Shantaram, who would give her a sound tongue lashing and occasionally slap her too. Then he would go out in a huff and she would sit down on the floor, her saree spread around, and weep and think of her mother from whose comforting hands, she was away from. She would not eat and sulk all day and when at evening Shantaram would return, she would quickly get up and make tea for him, silently crying all the time. Then for the next few days she would carefully prepare his meals but as is expected, soon a relapse would happen and the cycle would continue.

This morning he climbed down the steep stairs that led to his tiny abode, wearing a white kurta and a white dhoti, chewing betel leaf. He smiled to himself and brushed the lint off from his kurta. It was a pleasant morning. A few people on bicycles went by, waving to Shantaram. Just when he was thinking of what to do on such a morning that he heard his name being called out. He turned around. It was the newspaper editor's son - a handsome man of about the same age as Shantaram. He was dressed similarly only that his kurta and dhoti were whiter. "They don't even have a stain", Shantaram thought silently as he greeted him with folded hands. They began chatting about various things and presently Shantaram spat out the red betel leaf juice on the road and invited him to have a cup of tea with him upstairs.

They climbed the steep stairs again and Shantaram called out to his wife to prepare two cups of tea. He led his visitor inside and they sat down talking of things of importance. She peered out from inside the kitchen and was struck at his sight. Her heart started beating rapidly and it was only after a moment that she could get some control over her trembling hands and began to prepare tea. She had gone blank and while her hands mechanically prepared tea, she let herself be consumed in dreams and wild thoughts. Once the tea was ready, she poured it out in two cups, put them on a tray and covering her head with her saree brought it out to them. She walked slowly and shook from head to toe. She extended the tray to her guest and smiled shyly. He looked up at her and smiled and she blushed. Her hands trembled and as she handed Shantaram his cup, some tea spilled over him. He cursed loudly. "You mindless daughter of a..." but his words were drowned out. She did not hear Shantaram. Her eyes locked briefly with her guest's and he gave her another smile. She covered her face with her saree and ran to the kitchen.

She sat dreaming impossible dreams and she quivered in wonder and in delight and was afraid. Then she heard her guest leaving and Shantaram escorting him downstairs. She dashed out of the kitchen and stood in the landing so that she could see him one more time. As if by a secret cue, while climbing down, he turned and looked at the exact spot where she was and for a brief one second their eyes locked again. Her heart almost stopped and she ran away to her bedroom and lay down. She pressed her burning face against the pillow and hoped to quell the thudding of her heart. He would be back soon, angry over the spilled tea and would surely beat her up, but she didn't think about that.

As she lay there, she giggled and smiled and laughed to herself. And she tried, but failed, to stop the wild racing of her heart or to quench the burning sensation of her face and at that moment the world ceased to exist. For all she saw was him looking back at her, his smile and her own little bundle of emotions that rose like a storm in her little heart.

- Parekh, Pravesh

04:15 AM, 13^th December, 2012

Depression Diary - Log V

I had a friend once. Back in the days when I used to go to school and life was comparatively easier. There was this boy named Matthew who lived near my home. I was kind of fond of him. He was good at studies, played football and was otherwise helpful, kind and thoughtful. He had an elder brother too. James. I used to go to their place every once in a while and it used to be alright. I was very fond of James too. He was always kind to me. Much more kind than what my mother ever was. Kindness from father was an unexpected treat that was as rare as me getting good grades at school. Frankly, I believed then and still do, I never got good grades because of the environment in which I lived. But I will leave that for later. Trying not to wander out here.

James and Matthew used to get along pretty well with each other. However, James had this annoying habit of calling Matthew a “kid” which, of course, Matthew hated. James had a slightly harsh voice and he would add “kid” to almost every other thing he said to Matthew. “Good night, kid”. “Hope you do well in your exams, kid” and so on. This was pretty much annoying to Matthew and sometimes used to annoy me as well. They often fought over this. Matthew was hardly two years younger than James so it didn’t really make sense for James to call Matthew a kid. Well, it didn’t till the day I asked James about it.

One afternoon it so chanced that James and me were sitting under the shade of a tree. Matthew had gone to his home for something and we were waiting for him to come back so that we could continue our football game. I don’t know what made me do it but I suddenly turned to James and asked him if I could ask him a question. He told me to go ahead and ask it. I asked him why he used to call Matthew a kid, even though Matthew hated it. James at first laughed about it. Then he became serious.

“I don’t really know if you will ever understand it”, he said. “I call Matthew a kid because for me he is one. He is like this small little thing that I completely adore and wish I could protect him from whatever there is out there in this world. I know he hates it. But he doesn’t know why I call him so. He thinks I mock him. I do not. I love him. He is my little brother. I know my way of saying kid may not sound like it, but I use it as a term of endearment.” I was shocked. I had never thought of it in that way. I had always thought that James said that to mock Matthew. I asked him the reason why he didn’t explain it to Matthew. ‘The day I do that, it will lose its significance. You cannot tell people that you adore them. If they understand it, good for you. If they don’t, live with it. If you can’t live with it, then don’t do it.”

I think I stayed up all night thinking about it. What a brilliant idea. Such tenderness, such loving thoughts behind a single word. From that day onwards I hoped that someday someone would call me a “kid” too. If only for once. Perhaps James. But like all other dreams in my life, it never got fulfilled. Their parents moved away next year and I lost all touch with them. I still remember when I was saying my goodbye. James told me to take care of myself and gently ruffled my hair. And I swear in the name of whatever is Holy, it was one of the best feelings ever.

James and Matthew went away but the idea remained with me. Later in life, when I was working as a sales assistant at a convenience store, I used it. There was this girl who worked as a cashier. Her name was Betty, I think. She was a tiny little sweetheart and whenever I saw her, I always felt this urge to protect her and to take care of her. One evening when she was leaving, I called out to her saying “Take care, kid”. She was furious. She never talked to me again after that day. I thought of explaining the entire thing to her but then I thought it would get weird and awkward. And anyway they fired me from the job. Never found out why.

Some days I like to look back at my life and think how different it would have been if someone would have been there for me, as James as there for Matthew. I so wish someone would have loved me as James loved his “little” brother. I guess I would not have turned out to be such a failure then…definitely not…

- U.E

01:25 AM, Varanasi

November 5, 2012

Depression Diary - Log IV

There is a storm brewing outside. I am indoors, sitting in my darkened bedroom. The wind is loud. Too loud. And it is shaking the house. The doors, the windows…they rattle in the wind. Creates an eerily disturbing atmosphere. From the window pane I can see the wind shake the tree outside. The branches are swaying madly, as if a ghost waving to its favourite haunt. There is a dim light coming in through the dirty window pane and I am writing in The Diary in that light. The clouds are heavy. It will rain torrentially. Perhaps it will rain all night. I hope not, for the water might come inside the house. The ceiling might collapse for all I know. And the worst part is that it won’t collapse on me. How do I know this? Because this has always been the case. As if all elements and forces of nature are out there to make a fool out of me. And perhaps I am their idea of an ideal clown anyway. Will do whatever they subject me to. How do I resist them anyway?

Damn! The wind is loud! There was a small sapling outside. I had bought that tiny little thing from somewhere and it had grown remarkably well, given the bad “grooming” it received from me. Ha ha! The wind took it away. It got uprooted and then went flying out of sight. Like my life. Fleeting. Fleeing. Escaping. And all I could do was sit and see it happen. Like I said above. How do I resist them anyway?

And lo and behold! I suddenly have this vivid image in my mind. An image right from my childhood. Its autumn. In am sitting under a tree. A kid. Small boy. Call me whatever you want. There is a small ball right next to my feet. I seem to be tired. I must have been running all over the yard kicking that ball. Alone, of course. I don’t really recall having any company during my childhood days. (Not saying that I have had company in my adult days…alone back then…alone now). Anyway, so I am tired and sitting under a tree and the leaves are falling. Right over my head and I am sad. Looking down with a leaf or two in my head and there is a stray dog which has come and is now sitting next to the ball. Perhaps it wants to play with it. And with me as well? It must be as alone as I am. But I don’t think I can play with the dog. If mother sees me playing with a stray dog, she will be upset. And then I will be beaten. By a stick perhaps? But it’s the only company I have had in days. Maybe weeks. How can I resist playing with it anyway?

I don’t know what keeps happening in my head. There are these glimpses that suddenly turn up. And they leave me stunned. Shocked. And most importantly sad. And now I am sad again. Not that I was happy before. Less sad, maybe? That too is a question. Sometimes I feel I should have been a philosopher. I sure ask a lot of questions. But I don’t really know anything. I don’t even know what philosophers do? I mean, are they even paid? Is that a job? The light is very dim now. There are droplets on the window pane. It has begun. Now the rain will wash down on me and I will be more miserable and sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Its almost as if the rain is calling out to me…seeking me to embrace me in its misery and sorrow. How can I resist it anyway?

- U.E

12:35 AM, Varanasi

November 5, 2012

Depression Diary - Log III

The past is a gaping hole, I heard somewhere. I seem to have mocked it back then. But that was also a thing of the past. Now I am living in the past and I realize that whoever wrote it or whoever said it or whoever did whatever to it, it was correct. I don’t think I would have read it anywhere. Can’t recall the time when I loved reading books. Come on! Who am I kidding? I don’t even enjoy reading the newspaper. I wonder how I end up writing in this godforsaken diary? And more than that, how can the doctor think he will ever read it? But then he is being paid to read it and I am not being paid to write it. It seems that you can ask anyone to do whatever you want them to do by putting appropriate price to it. Heard that is how bounty works too.

But then I am wandering again. Me thinks that every time I sit down to start with something definitive in  my mind to write about, I seem to always wander away from it. I am beginning to be convinced that there is something wrong in my head somewhere. Perhaps that is why the doctor asked me to start writing anyway? Maybe he can see through the entire content and find hidden meanings and patterns? He seems to have a lot of degrees. Reminds me of myself dropping out of college. Past again. Life, it seems, has a wonderful way of reminding you of all the time that you screwed up something somewhere. What has become of all the good things that happen in Life? Perhaps they have gone down in the drain, just the way the world seems to be going down in the drain.

So after a lot of thinking I thought of writing a little about my past. Who knows it might even help the doctor? But then I am not sure if I will ever show it to the doctor. The only reason I recollect that it was the doctor who asked me to start writing is because last week I went to him and he asked me about it. I became so terribly scared that I said that I had not started to write anything in it. He drew up a sympathetic face and nodded and said that things like these always take time. I think it was his professional way of telling me to go to hell. See? I am wandering again.

Last night when I was sitting and doing nothing (like all the times) I thought I saw a shadow creep around in the darkness. Naturally, I was scared. It was a shadow from the past. One that I definitely would recognize anywhere anytime. As I sat thinking what to do, it sprung out of the darkness and stood in front of me. It was the ghost of my wife. Or the ghost of my once used to be wife. Or the ghost of my once used to be college girlfriend. A ghost anyway. Her name was Sarah. I met her in the sophomore year. She was the most fun loving person I had ever met. Quite my opposite. We seemed to get along well. She talked and chirped while I nodded my assent and listened to her and the likes. Soon we were dating. Things seemed to be going well when I made the greatest mistake of my Life. Dropped out of college. She was still supportive. By then we were living together. She finished college and got a job. By then I had also found a job at a bakery serving baked breads to customers. The job sucked. The boss sucked. The salary sucked. But she was there with me and so I was able to live through it.

Then we got married and had a daughter. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. But like all my happiness in life, it was short lived. One fine day I return back home and we end up having a big huge argument. Over what? Ha ha! You would laugh when I tell you that! We fought over a bottle of jam! She wasn’t able to get a fresh one to open. I tried but even I couldn’t get it to open. She made a joke about it. I had had a lousy day and I got angry. And then she got angry. And though she was the most prettiest of all the darlings in the world, when she got angry there was no going past her. We fought, argued, screamed, shouted and I think I threw the bottle and it broke. She suddenly froze. Stopped fighting. Just froze. Ten minutes later she was packing her bag. I begged and pleaded and did everything I could but to no avail. It seemed that she had simply turned away from me. She left me for good.

We got in touch after an year or so again. She was married to someone else. I continued to meet my daughter occasionally. But she seemed to shrink away from me every single time I met her. Eventually she told me that she did not want to meet me again. I said fine. What else was I supposed to say anyway? Later I heard that Sarah died of cancer. Heard she had taken up smoking and had a sad end. No one even called me for the funeral.

Her ghost came to me yesterday. It was scary. Her eyes were hollowed out and she looked like a skeleton. Her face was gone completely. There was burnt skin instead of the smooth olive skin that I once remembered. It stood looking at me and then simply disappeared. I know it sound ridiculous, me writing of anything like this. But it seemed that her coming was what I needed to retrace some of my steps of the past. Now I am sitting and I am tired. Tired of thinking, tired of writing. Tired of wondering. Sleep is nowhere in sight. I think I will just sit around. Perhaps turn off the lights as well. Let the darkness embrace me with its claw like hands. Perhaps Sarah will come to me again? Like she was…like I remember her…

- U.E

05:05 PM, Indira Gandhi International Airport (Delhi)

November 4, 2012

Depression Diary - Log II

Woke up to the sound of the dog barking. Don’t recall falling asleep. Probably slept for an hour. An achievement, I would say. Why? Because sleep doesn’t seem to have blessed my condemned soul for almost three days now. Why? Because damn it, if I know. Had nothing better to do than to sit outside and stare at the moon and the star. Yet did not feel like doing it today. The feeling of going and sitting outside makes me feel vulnerable. It is scary. The night is out to get you. Of late, I have been having this paranoid feeling. Darkness scares me. I see faces where there are none. It has been two days since I switched off any light in the house. It is alright during the day…but as darkness descends, it seems that a certain darkness descends on me as well.

I came to the study table and sat down. Having nothing better to do, I opened the record book or The Diary where I am to record my nocturnal activities. Nocturnal, I say, because there doesn’t seem to be anything that goes on during the day. To confess frankly, the light hurts my eyes. I prefer when its cloudy or when the horizon darkens. No, I do not like the rain. Rain has a terrible terrible habit of ruining everything. I like it before the rain. When the sky is dark and overbearing. It seems that everyone has their sorrows. And when it darkens, the sorrow is ready to unleashed upon the world. And everyone stops and waits. The entire feeling of the weight of the world on your head…I don’t know if it is good or bad. But I prefer it to the bright light.

So anyway, I open this diary and I am struck by the fact that I haven’t written in here in quite some time now. The last entry was almost a month back. Well I will try to be punctual again. But then there isn’t anything interesting happening that I should record. Sometimes I wonder if I should just write in stuff for the doctor? It might just as well distract him and make him wonder if I should be sent to an asylum or something? But then it would take me away from the night. Both comforting and disturbing.

Of late, I have been thinking and everything seems to be in contradiction. I want to do something but I don’t have the energy to do it. I hate something and yet I want it to happen. Even as I write, I hear the distant rumble of the clouds. So, it is going to rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. I notice that I have mentioned that everyone has sorrows. Do I? I think yes. But do I? I am not too sure. What have I got to feel sad about? The fact that I am an old man, all alone in this world? Well, true enough. What else? The fact that the cable TV operator charges for 120 channels but my television set can only show 50? Well, that would have been something to be sad about but then I don’t watch the television. It is a relic from the past. Past…something to think about. Oh yes, now I get it. The past is something that I can definitely be sad about. Seems as if there are chapters upon chapters of guilt, sorrow and pain? Written in hopelessness and despair? But do I want to be sad?

I seem to forget what I originally wanted to chatter in here about. I woke up and was scared. And then the television had to come in and disturb my thoughts. Oh yes and the past. Now I need to sit and think. These memories seem to be rushing through me. And there is this face always peering out from the darkest corner of the room. I think I will watch some television tonight. It might ease the thoughts a little. Or might aggravate them? What do I want? I do not know…I will chatter later…my head hurts…or am I just making it up?

- U.E

04:30 PM, Indira Gandhi International Airport (Delhi)