Depression Diary - Log II

Woke up to the sound of the dog barking. Don’t recall falling asleep. Probably slept for an hour. An achievement, I would say. Why? Because sleep doesn’t seem to have blessed my condemned soul for almost three days now. Why? Because damn it, if I know. Had nothing better to do than to sit outside and stare at the moon and the star. Yet did not feel like doing it today. The feeling of going and sitting outside makes me feel vulnerable. It is scary. The night is out to get you. Of late, I have been having this paranoid feeling. Darkness scares me. I see faces where there are none. It has been two days since I switched off any light in the house. It is alright during the day…but as darkness descends, it seems that a certain darkness descends on me as well.

I came to the study table and sat down. Having nothing better to do, I opened the record book or The Diary where I am to record my nocturnal activities. Nocturnal, I say, because there doesn’t seem to be anything that goes on during the day. To confess frankly, the light hurts my eyes. I prefer when its cloudy or when the horizon darkens. No, I do not like the rain. Rain has a terrible terrible habit of ruining everything. I like it before the rain. When the sky is dark and overbearing. It seems that everyone has their sorrows. And when it darkens, the sorrow is ready to unleashed upon the world. And everyone stops and waits. The entire feeling of the weight of the world on your head…I don’t know if it is good or bad. But I prefer it to the bright light.

So anyway, I open this diary and I am struck by the fact that I haven’t written in here in quite some time now. The last entry was almost a month back. Well I will try to be punctual again. But then there isn’t anything interesting happening that I should record. Sometimes I wonder if I should just write in stuff for the doctor? It might just as well distract him and make him wonder if I should be sent to an asylum or something? But then it would take me away from the night. Both comforting and disturbing.

Of late, I have been thinking and everything seems to be in contradiction. I want to do something but I don’t have the energy to do it. I hate something and yet I want it to happen. Even as I write, I hear the distant rumble of the clouds. So, it is going to rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. I notice that I have mentioned that everyone has sorrows. Do I? I think yes. But do I? I am not too sure. What have I got to feel sad about? The fact that I am an old man, all alone in this world? Well, true enough. What else? The fact that the cable TV operator charges for 120 channels but my television set can only show 50? Well, that would have been something to be sad about but then I don’t watch the television. It is a relic from the past. Past…something to think about. Oh yes, now I get it. The past is something that I can definitely be sad about. Seems as if there are chapters upon chapters of guilt, sorrow and pain? Written in hopelessness and despair? But do I want to be sad?

I seem to forget what I originally wanted to chatter in here about. I woke up and was scared. And then the television had to come in and disturb my thoughts. Oh yes and the past. Now I need to sit and think. These memories seem to be rushing through me. And there is this face always peering out from the darkest corner of the room. I think I will watch some television tonight. It might ease the thoughts a little. Or might aggravate them? What do I want? I do not know…I will chatter later…my head hurts…or am I just making it up?

- U.E

04:30 PM, Indira Gandhi International Airport (Delhi)