Depression Diary – Log I

Couldn’t go to sleep again. Lay there thinking about nothing and everything for a long long time. Then I realized I was not really sleepy. Don’t recall the last time I slept properly. Perhaps it’s the mattress. The mosquitoes don’t really bother me so much. I guess my problem is that I think too much…that’s what everyone says. But all of that was a long time ago. But then I don’t recall thinking about anything in particular.

Anyway, so I got out of bed and then went outside and sat down on a chair, staring at the night sky and thought how wonderful. We should all really stop sleeping in the night and sleep during the day. The night time is a wonderful companion. It will look back at you when you look at it and it always has hidden faces that you can try and read as much as you can. But then if everyone is to work at night, then the face of night won’t remain as beautiful as it is now…

I was sitting there and it was a no moon night. There was no wind and the stars were all covered by the clouds. The stars don’t really bother me so much. But sometimes when you look up and see a whole bunch of them, you tend to get angry. You feel alone and lost and they so bright. Reminds me of my wasted youth and my own loneliness. I tried talking to the night, trying to have a conversation. But it didn’t work. I didn’t really have anything to say. Then I realized it has been full three days since I spoke to someone. And the last time I had was a thank you to the girl at the cash counter of the superstore.

Sometimes it seems time just passes away. You sit down and just begin to think about things and you realize hours have passed. On the other hand, you sit and wait for time to pass but it won’t. Guess what? Seems like time passes slowly at night and faster during the day. No wonder…that is why people whine about nights being long and lonely in those romantic songs that teenagers these days listen to. But then how would I know? I don’t even know any teenagers. All those people who I ever knew are all either dead or old and don’t know where.

So I was sitting there and then I realized that today is the day the cleaning lady is supposed to come by. Well, I think it is a good idea to have someone coming in periodically. At least they would find out if I am dead someday. Not that anyone would care. Who would ever care about an old man dying out in the middle of nowhere? Well, maybe the cleaning lady would actually miss me. Oh no. She would miss the money. Ha ha! But then she does a good job. Then I realized that I was thinking about the cleaning lady for no reason. We don’t even talk. She comes in. I go out. She goes out. I get back in. What good is the conversation anyway? I don’t know her. She doesn’t know me.

Then I remembered that someone had told me to write down my thoughts in a diary. They said that whenever I could not sleep or was feeling troubled, I should sit and write in the diary. Or was it the therapist at the hospital? Goddamn memory, I swear. But it doesn’t matter. And come on. I was feeling low for a while and thought I would see someone at the hospital and they tell me to write it down in a diary. Wow! Good joke. And that too on an old man like me.

I was about to get up when the neighbour’s dog started barking. Funny that I should mention them. I bet they talk about me as well sometime. Neighbour. Haven’t talked to them in all the years that I have been here. Nasty old man, I heard them say to each other once. I say that about them too. Only he has his wife to speak it to. I don’t have anyone to speak it to. I sat there wondering what the dog could be barking at and I remembered my childhood days. I had a dog too. It was a puppy. Darn thing came under a truck and died and the driver didn’t even stop to apologize. I thought it was pretty rude of him to do that. My mother told me to stop crying and to go solve my mathematics problem. It was a street dog anyway, I remember her telling me. Funny…I can remember that and not who told me to write down my thoughts here.

Suddenly there was a clang and the sound of a man shouting. Then the dog shut up. I realized that my neighbour was awake and perhaps had hit the dog. What a beastly thing to do, I thought. It was just trying to talk to someone perhaps. In his own tongue that is. Just like me. It wants for company. There isn’t a dog in miles I guess. Never seen any. But then I rarely venture out so I wouldn’t know for sure. Thinking of the dog made me sad. Was it the dog being hit that made me sad or was it the memory of my own dog dying under the truck wheels or was it the fact that my mom told me to solve maths problem that made me sad, is something that would take days of thinking to work out. Or perhaps it cannot be worked out. Maybe that is what philosophers do, after all. Solve complex questions and problems in life. Or maybe that is what mathematicians do. How would I know? Dropping out of college wasn’t a great idea, I guess…

Anyway, I got up and went back in and now I am writing this. Another uneventful day gone. I glance at the clock and it is almost 4 in the morning. Where has all this time gone? People say I think too much. But I haven’t been thinking, have I? Later…

- U. E

03:26 AM, NOIDA