Men

“Ha ha ha!” she leaned back on the chair, laughing. “Come now! You don’t mean to say that you simply stood there and watched him leave!”

“I tell you just as it was. I was sitting reading a book when he comes back from work. His eyes are flashing and his brow is furrowed. I look at him and know in an instant that he wants to confess something. He always had this look whenever he wanted to confess something. Not the typical school-boy-found-guilty look but a look that seemed to say that he was as confused as he could be. 

“That evening I could tell that he was troubled. He had something on his mind. I asked him if everything was alright. He nodded. His eyes did not meet mine. I knew something was terribly wrong. I kept asking him yet he did not say a word. He went into the bedroom and I thought I would give him a break for a while. Then I put the dishes on the table, called him out for dinner and he would not come. I was almost about to lose my patience. What on earth was wrong with him? I was about to give him a final call when he walked out of the bedroom. 

“He had not changed but had rolled his sleeves upwards, as if he had been busy doing something. There were beads of sweat on his face. I did not say anything. I knew he hated being bugged about something for too long. He sat down to eat and I served him food. Then suddenly he set the fork down and looked at me briefly saying ‘the food is good’. I was almost mortified.  He never praised my cooking! That would mean something huge was on his mind.

“Then out of the blue he remarked that he was having an affair with someone and was leaving me! I stood there in shock, staring at him in disbelief. He had said it while eating and continued to eat while I stood for a few seconds not ready to believe what he had said. It is true we were never in love but such gross outrageous dismissal! Then my temper got the better of me. He had praised the food because he thought it would take the sting out of his words! How foolish? Was this the extent to which he knew me!

“’Out’, I shouted! ‘Don’t you sit there eating you horrible pig! Get out right now! I don’t want to see your face ever again, you hog, you swine, you brute, you…’

“There is no need to shout. My bag is packed. I am leaving” he said.

“I stood there in disbelief as he got up from the chair, washed his hands, went into the bedroom and came out with his bags. He stopped in the doorway and gave me one last look. For a moment I thought he would come and give me a hug. Then he went out and never came back. I was so relieved he did not come for that hug! I swear I would have killed him then and there with my bare hands!”

“You are a very strong woman, Ms. ------“, she said, “I had the most terrible and horrible time when he left. I was standing there crying like an abandoned baby.”

“Oh really? Tell me all about it?”

“Well there isn’t much to say. We were married for almost five years then. We first met in the school corridor. He used to live near my home but we had never as such met before. I was madly in love with him and used to crave just to see him. Later we got married. Earlier on he was keen on me, but with time, he became a little tired of everything. I guess all men are this way. Once they get married, their love for their wives withers away. 

“It was the same in our case. However, my love for him grew stronger every day. The result was that he found me too overbearing. He found excuses to stay away from home. For all this, I forgave him. I could understand that he was not the romantic types and that my dreams of a spring romance were as quickly over as our courtship days had. But I never suspected that he would cheat on me. Like so many other women, I was mistaken in believing that having a child would keep him anchored.

“With time, he began to stay away from home more and more. When at home, he would criticize my cooking, make fun of me, and humiliate me if we had visitors. I took it all patiently, for he was still the man whom I loved. I turned a blind eye to all of it. For the sake of the love that I had for him, and for the sake of our child, I never retaliated. I never complained.

“One fine day, he just came back from work, the very same way as yours Ms. ------, we had an argument. In hindsight I realized that it was deliberate. He came back tired and a little drink. I told him not to wake Sarah up – you have met my daughter Sarah, have you not Ms. ------? – for the child would be uncomfortable with the smell of alcohol on his lips. He lost his temper and struck me in the face. I stood there frozen in shock. He had never raised his bands on me before. I started to cry.

“He went inside but came back minutes later, angry. He wanted food. I served him, while tears kept falling. He ate a morsel or two and angrily banged the table. ‘Have I really married an absolute worthless creature as you? You can’t even cook!’ Then in a moment of anger, he threw away the plate in a corner as I stood trembling and crying. ‘I can’t take it anymore. You are stupid! You are ugly! I hate you. I never loved you. I had only married you for money which you never had. I can’t stay with you a minute longer. You can go to hell, for all I care. I am leaving you.

“I stood there in shock as he went in the bedroom and started to throw his belongings into a travel bag. I begged him, I clutched his hands and legs, I apologized...but he just brushed me away. When I approached him again, he almost kicked me away. I lay on the floor, whimpering and crying, as he kept packing with a malicious smile on his face. I begged him, my voice broken by sobs, to stay but he did not even listen to me. When he started to move towards the door, I crawled and held his legs. I told him that I loved him. I told him that I would amend my ways. I begged him to stay, if not for me, but for Sarah.

“At this point he turned and looked at me. ‘Do you think I really care for either one of you? I have a mistress. I have always had a mistress all these years. I am going to her. You say you love me. You are nothing but a fool. And you know what? I never ever loved you or cared for you.

“With these words he stepped out of the door. It was raining. In spite of all that he had said, I followed him outside, crying madly, begging him not to leave. He put his bags in the car trunk and got into the car. I ran towards him but he locked the door from inside. Then he put the key in the ignition and drove away. I ran a little behind him but he sped away. I stood there like an idiot, weeping in the rain. It was raining very heavily. I was completely soaked. I don’t know how long I stood there, hoping he would come back. Of course, he didn’t. As I stood there weeping in the rain, there was a gently nudge on my hand. Little Sarah had come out. I gathered her and ran back inside, for she would have fallen sick…”

Both the women sat in silence. Certainly not the story one would share at an ice cream parlour. After the while the other woman broke the silence. “Well I am sure you are over him now. Look at you! Strong independent woman, looking after your daughter, running this place all by yourself. I am proud of you, dear.”

She acknowledged her compliment with a smile. “Would you like to have some more ice-cream?” she asked after a while.

“No! No! Not at all darling! I have to go! I have some things to take care of. I didn’t realize it was this late.”

Both the women hugged. “Hope to see you around soon Ms------“, she said. “See you dear. You take care” the other woman replied before walking off at a brisk pace, her hand bag dangling in her wake.

“You too”, she said slowly before sitting down again. “Strong independent woman”, she repeated. “Am I?” she asked herself. Just then Sarah came out from the door that led into her home and sat down near her, playing with her doll. She placed a hand on the child’s head and caressed her hairs. Her lips began to tremble a little as a mist grew on her eyes. To sit there pretending that she was a strong woman, pretending that she was over him, accepting and even laughing at herself. But truth be spoken, she longed for him. She still wanted him to come back to her. She sat there, biting her lower lip to keep the tears from coming. She still remembered him driving away. Oh the lies! She had told Sarah that her father had gone abroad and would come back soon. Oh how she hated herself for loving him! The price of love, she thought.

As she sat there fighting her tears back, Sarah asked her a question which she had asked a number of times in the past. “Mummy? When is Daddy coming back?” All those times she had always answered her. With proud defiance. Not today. She couldn’t hold them back anymore. Tears fell from her eyes as she gathered Sarah in her arms and wept freely. Like she had then…the sky darkened…it would rain…

- Parekh, Pravesh

September 10, 2013; 10:33 PM

P.S: The inspiration of Men lies in a certain image in my mind that I have been courting for almost one and a half years now. An image that I witnessed almost every day (near the place where I was staying in Bangalore, India) of a lady sitting in a newly opened, dimly lit, ice cream parlour, with a child playing in the background. She always sat near the entrance of her shop, on the floor, watching the world go by, with a sad look about her eyes. There were hardly any customers. I know I have not done any justice to the image that is there in my mind, yet I do hope you would write back and tell me of what you think about what I have written. Thank You!